My Family and Other Animals
by The Goliath Beetle
Summary: Kakashi has a weird family. But who's complaining about that? *An AU Kakashi-centric one-shot collection where the Kyuubi never attacked, Rin never died, and Kakashi's not a complete angst-bucket. Focuses on friendship/family themes with light KakaRin. Currently accepting prompts.*
1. Kakashi's Brainless Challenge

_My Family and Other Animals _

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**A/N: I'm back with a brand new one-shot collection! For those of you who followed my Kakashi-Kushina mother-son relationship fic, you'll probably be aware of how this is going to work. Nevertheless, I'll type it here once more.**

**WHAT THIS IS: This fic is an AU one-shot collection where the Kyuubi attack never happened. Kushina, Minato and Rin are all alive, and this fic will not entertain the Tobito aspect, stubbornly maintaining that Obito died at Kannabi Bridge. This is a Kakashi-centric fic with KakaRin aspects to it. However, the KakaRin will never overshadow the family-friendship angle of this fic. Though there will be some romance, it will not become to focus of this one-shot collection. **

**THE NITTY-GRITTIES: This fic is going to jump through the timeline at will. Each chapter is a separate one-shot, so don't expect a continuous story-line. Therefore, each chapter can change with respect to voice, tense, and other grammatical details. In this fic, I will assume that Kakashi does have a past in the ANBU, despite the fact that Rin being alive means that this would be contradictory to the canon story-line. This is an AU fic, so screw canon. **

**READER PARTICIPATION: Of course I would love it if you guys reviewed my work, but what I'm talking about right now is **_**PROMPTS. **_**Please send in your prompts for this story. This was how my other one-shot collection, 'Warmth', also worked. I love how creative you guys can get, and diverse prompts always make for great reads.**

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**Warnings: This chapter focuses mostly on Kakashi and Rin. There is no obvious romance, just friendship. **

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When Kakashi opened the door, an awful stench of sweat, vomit and agony burst up Rin's nose.

The medic-nin was very emphatic in her eye-roll. It was slow and exaggerated, the way her dark eyes swiveled skywards and then turned to rest on Kakashi's pale, masked face. His hair was plastered to his forehead, and his lone visible eye wasn't even trying to conceal the pain he was in.

"Rin," he grunted, his voice raw. "What are you doing here?"

Without answering, she pushed past him and entered the apartment, dropping her bag on the couch. She could feel Kakashi's weak, confused gaze at her back as she heard the door shut. With another emphatic eye-roll, she turned towards her teammate and said, "I was returning home from my shift in the hospital when Gai's turtle summon appeared before me."

"Oh?" Kakashi asked, his tone betraying his slight nervousness. He sat on the couch, curling up and letting his chin rest on his knees.

"Yes. Gai's summon told me that our taijutsu-expert was sick, very sick. Naturally, I rushed to check up on him. You know, being a medic and all that, I can't abandon someone in need, even if I've not slept in four days because of a tiring mission and long shifts in the hospital."

"Oh," Kakashi said again. Rin could see from the slight wavering in his tone that he was feeling more and more insecure. Good. Stupid fool.

"Yes," Rin said once more. "So I go to check up on Gai. And gosh, he's in a bad way. Been throwing up everywhere, terrible stomach aches." She shook her head. "It's a mess. Anyway, so during my routine treatment questions, I ask him, _what do you think made you so ill, Gai?_"

"Oh," the Hatake repeated. Rin resisted another eye-roll.

"And Gai says—and I quote—_It was all Kakashi's idea, Rin-chan. He suggested we have an eating competition, and then I said, "We do that all the time!" so Kakashi said, "Let's add some spark to it. Let's have a __**wasabi **__eating contest instead!"_ And Gai ate too much wasabi, and fell ill."

"Ah," Kakashi says finally, changing from the monotonous 'oh'.

"Uh-huh. A wasabi eating contest. Turns out, Gai had eaten about five or six _bowls _of the stuff. No wonder he was so ill. But wait! The story gets even better!" Rin's hands flailed in the air wildly. "What's worse than eating six bowls of wasabi? Eating seven, of course."

Now, Rin placed Kakashi under the most fearsome glare he'd ever seen her produce. Her eyes turned into kunais as they bore into his skull. The look was so potent, in fact, that not only did Kakashi avert his gaze, but also started feeling nauseous. Again.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" she barked after several minutes of tense silence.

"I'm s—" but the word 'sorry' died in his throat as he suddenly bolted towards the bathroom door, gasping, "Shit!"

"Yes, Kakashi, you're shit. You look like it too," the medic added as she followed the sounds of hacking and retching. Her taut attitude didn't waver too much when she saw the white-haired man upturning his stomach into the toilet bowl. But when Kakashi was finished, and slumped against the bathroom wall, the medic sighed.

"What am I going to do with you?" Rin muttered in an undertone as she helped—almost lifted—Kakashi to his feet. He was heavier than she'd expected, but her years of being a ninja meant she was much stronger than she looked. Leading him to his bedroom, she made a mental checklist of the medical procedures she might have to do.

He let out a soft groan as his head fell against the pillows. Then, he tried to put his mask back up to his face.

"No." Her hand slapped his away. "That stupid mask makes it difficult for you to breathe." In an afterthought, she added, "In fact, you should change your clothes. Something looser. It'll put less strain on your body."

He gave her a questioning look, and then, with some difficulty rasped, "Clothes strain the body?"

"You tend to feel more comfortable when you're wearing loose clothes, genius," she snapped. "Or had you not noticed?"

The Hatake muttered darkly under his breath as he pushed himself off the bed and went to find a change of clothes. Then, glancing pointedly towards Rin, he said, "I'm going to change now. Unless you want to watch…"

"Baka," she snipped as she walked out of his bedroom and slammed the door shut.

Several minutes later, when he'd changed, Rin entered with a glass of yellow liquid. Kakashi's maskless face made his paleness and exhaustion even more apparent. However, she wasn't feeling sympathetic. Even when he sneezed, Rin did nothing but roll her eyes.

"Why are you so angry?"

"It tastes bad, but deal with it," she said as she handed the glass to him. "It'll settle your stomach."

He took the medicine from her wordlessly and finished it in a few gulps, never complaining except for a displeasured expression. Again, he repeated, "Why are you so angry?"

"Because you're an idiot," she replied. "Hold still."

Slowly, Rin lifted Kakashi's shirt, exposing his toned, scarred body. In another situation, her eyes would have travelled just to take the view in, but this time, she remained focused. Her palms began to glow green as she placed them on his stomach.

Almost instantly, her patient let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Your stomach was burning, wasn't it?" she asked.

"Like a bonfire." His eyes were closed in apparent bliss as she worked, soothing the irritation in his muscles. Her hands travelled upwards, calming the pain in his chest and throat. Wasabi was felt primarily in the nasal passages. Her palms hovered over his nose, the healing chakra delicately relaxing the affected areas.

He was breathing very deeply by the time she was finished.

"Are you asleep?" she asked him.

"Mm, no," he replied, opening his one black eye. "But I feel better. Much better. Thank you."

She shook her head. "Why would you do something so stupid and reckless?"

"It was fun," Kakashi ventured.

"Fun?" she repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah." Pulling his shirt back down, he said, "Haven't you ever just wanted to do something stupid and fun?"

Her lips twitching slightly, she deadpanned, "I hang out with you. That's extremely stupid but not fun at all."

He started to laugh.

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**A/N: I hope you liked it. Sorry if you find it too short. I would love to see some prompts. It's a Kakashi-centric fic, so he has to be there. But otherwise, experiment with the characters! Rin, Kushina, Minato, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Jiraiya, (including Baby!Naruto), whoever you want! Remember, the only two people in this fic that will be considered dead are Sakumo and Obito. As long as you don't have either of them in your prompts, anything works! **

**Thanks for reading. Please review! **


	2. The Art of Gardening

**A/N: I got some wonderful prompts in the last chapter, so over the next three one-shots in this collection, I'll be writing theirs. Today's prompt, by Prescripto13 is: **_"With a last name like Hatake, I wonder if Kakashi has a bit of a green thumb. It'd probably be a talent he'd avoid flaunting, maybe because he considers it un-shinobi-like, maybe because it reminds him of past memories. But in the privacy of Kakashi's own domain (e.g. Mr. Ukki), or to help out someone in need, he might be alright with giving a little." _

**Two little pieces of information to those who might not know this: It's well-documented that Kakashi's first name means 'scarecrow', but less is known about his second name, 'Hatake'. 'Hatake' actually means 'farmland' or 'field', which is why this prompt is relevant. Secondly, Mr. Ukki is a little potted plant that's been seen inside Kakashi's room from time to time. That's all that's known about it. **

**By the way, sorry for the late update. I've been in a writing rut lately. **

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"Stupid plant is stupid!" a six-year-old Naruto shouted as he kicked the poor sapling with all his might. From all the way across the lawn, Kakashi winced at the unsettled soil. The plant's leaves looked bruised and limp at the blonde's outburst.

Kakashi had been watching Naruto for some time now. He hadn't intended on doing so; in fact, the only reason he was in the Hokage mansion at all was to discuss a possible mission with his sensei. But he kept throwing glances towards the courtyard where his teacher's son was busy dirtying himself with mud and grass stains. Minato-sensei had followed his gaze, and with a small laugh muttered, "Tenzou showed him how to plant things yesterday. He's been fascinated with it."

"Ah," Kakashi had responded, biting back a smile.

Now that the meeting with is teacher was over, the jonin was intently studying the little boy's impatience, chuckling to himself intermittently. He'd never admit this out loud, but he loved watching Naruto do funny things. Something about the blonde boy was innately endearing.

However, Naruto was looking more and more agitated by the minute as he tried to…Kakashi tiled his head to the side. The blonde was throwing his opened palms towards the plant, scrunching his face up in concentration. He'd remain like this for a few seconds before growling and stomping the ground beneath him.

After several minutes of this, Kakashi approached the kid. "What are you doing, Naruto?" he asked, making sure to keep his voice as conversational as possible.

At the Hatake's sudden appearance, Naruto jumped. Recognising Kakashi, his features relaxed, before scrunching up again. This time, to cry. "This plant," he spluttered, "Isn't growing. I tried using Tenzou-san's powers on it just now. But it doesn't work!"

"I see." Kakashi knelt to Naruto's level. It was just adorable that Naruto was trying to imitate the wood-style user. Of course, it was a shame—or perhaps a blessing—that the blonde couldn't use the technique. After all, Tenzou had gone through hell because of Orochimaru's experiments. Anyway, that train of thought was a depressing one. Glancing towards the almost horizontal little sapling, the silver-haired man asked, "Is that all? That's why you're kicking it?"

"Stupid plant," Naruto muttered, crossing his arms across his chest and pouting.

Kakashi smiled, his visible eye curving into a crescent. "Oh, shush. We can fix this." At Naruto's sudden, wide-eyed stare, the jonin added, "But first, you need to say sorry to the plant."

"What?" Naruto choked.

"Yes." Raising an eyebrow expectantly, Kakashi added, "If you don't say sorry, the plant will feel bad. And then it _really _won't grow."

Heh. Maybe this was some kind of unconscious way to apologise to all the trees, bushes and saplings that had been torn from life because of Kakashi's many battles and missions.

"I'm not going to apologise to it. This plant is dumb!"

"We'll both apologise," Kakashi compromised. "Plants are like people, you know? They like being spoken to." There was a tone in Kakashi's voice that betrayed his seriousness. He didn't sound angry, or even remotely irate, but Naruto knew not to disobey.

"Alright," the boy conceded. Shooting an unhappy look at the lopsided sapling, he muttered, "Sorry, plant."

Kakashi petted his head. Turning to the plant, he added, "Sorry, plant!"

Naruto's look of disdain didn't waver. "It's still not going to grow."

"That's because we need to fix it."

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It had taken about fifteen minutes of straightening and patting the soil before the dishevelled sapling looked even semi-upright. They worked as a team, Kakashi holding the plant and Naruto cementing its foundation with mud.

"So, how long have you had this sapling?" Kakashi asked.

"Since yesterday."

The jonin laughed. "No plant's going to grow that fast, Naruto! It takes weeks, months. Sometimes, even years."

The boy's jaw dropped. "But Tenzou-san could grow it in seconds!" With that, he pointed to a fat, gnarled branch sticking out of the soil a few meters away. "He did that, and it grew that big in no time!"

"That's because Tenzou-san has special powers," Kakashi explained. "Since you and I don't have those powers, we'll have to do it the hard way. Ne, Naruto?"

The child sniffed in unhappiness.

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"Naruto, hold my hand. I don't want you getting lost."

The market was surprisingly crowded that day, but feeling the blonde's soft palm in his gloved hand made him feel better. He always felt a little jumpy when taking Naruto out for a walk. Being an ANBU, Kakashi was all kinds of paranoid. Naruto was the Hokage's son. Who wouldn't want to kidnap him?

"So, what are we buying?" the child asked.

"Fertilizer. For the plant."

"What's fertilizer?"

"Plant food." Kakashi paused, and then added, "Sort of."

Naruto's face scrunched up. "How do plants eat? Do they eat like us, with bowls and chopsticks and stuff? I've never seen them eat! Do they cook or eat stuff raw? Do they get indigestion? Kakashi-san!" he cried as the silver-haired man threw his head back in raucous laughter.

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"This doesn't look _appeteesing,_" Naruto mumbled as he looked at the brown powdery stuff being wrapped up in a newspaper.

"_Appetising," _Kakashi corrected. "And the plants love it."

Naruto looked dubious.

As Kakashi carried their purchases, Naruto talked animated about Tenzou-this and Tenzou-that, and 'Tenzou's plants are always so green!' and 'Why doesn't my plant grow the same way?'—"Because you keep kicking it," Kakashi replied, his voice steady and his eyes patient. It was natural to believe that Tenzou was the gardener between the two of them, but Kakashi politely disagreed.

Tenzou had a special ability, that was all.

Hehe. Kakashi could remember his childhood home clearly. The Hatake estate had always been large, always bursting with flowers. His father's parents had been farmers, and when Sakumo had moved to Konoha to become a ninja, he'd taken his green thumb with him.

Vividly, Kakashi could remember those days when depression loomed over his father's face. When nothing else worked, he would have to drag his father to the slowly dying garden and coax—if not insist—that his father tend to it. Even now, the exotic smells and exploding colours of the flora-_red, yellow, pink-_rushed back to him.

All the things his father had taught him! The importance of soil texture, fertilizer, the right amount of water to sprinkle…As a child, Kakashi had always found this information completely useless. So why was it all coming back to him now?

The silver-haired ninja's black eye turned into his characteristic crescent as he smiled to himself. This did not escape Naruto's notice.

"What's up, Kakashi-san?" he quizzed as they entered the Hokage's mansion.

"Oh, it's nothing," the Hatake chirped as the courtyard came into view. "Shall we fix your plant now?"

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It took the better part of an hour.

With Kakashi's careful instruction and Naruto's impatient, haphazard gait, the unhappy-looking sapling was dug up. Fertilizer was added to the hole in the ground—("What is it made of, Kakashi-san?" "Dead things and poop." "COOL!")—and the plant was gently put back. Naruto was all too happy to pat the earth around it.

"Now what?" the blonde asked as he stood arms akimbo. His clothes were filthy, covered in mud and grass stains. There was dirt under his fingernails and a slight sheen of sweat on his brow. Kushina was going to kill Kakashi, of that the Hatake was sure.

"Now we wait."

"For how long?"

"Several days, Naruto!"

"What!"

The Hatake laughed. "Why don't you talk to it? I told you, plants like it when you talk to them. Maybe if you say nice things to it every day, it will grow faster."

Naruto blinked. "That's really dumb."

Kakashi rolled his eyes.

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_Several Weeks Later_

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"My concern is these mountains. I'm worried about navigating them, since they haven't been mapped properly and the enemy uses earth style."

"Yes," Minato-sensei agreed, gazing at the maps in front of him. "I've thought about that. My idea was—" but he looked up to find Kakashi gazing at something outside the window. Kakashi's lone black eye had an intensely curious look. "What is it?" the Fourth Hokage asked.

"Hmm? Oh, nothing, sensei!" Kakashi replied, jerking his head away from the window and turning his attention back to the documents on the table. "What were you saying about the mission?"

But even as Minato began to speak once more, Kakashi's eyes had flit towards the window. Finally, the Hatake muttered, "What is Naruto doing?"

Minato stiffened at the sound of his son's name. At once, a million horrible thoughts came to him. Naruto hurt, Naruto sick, Naruto playing with something dangerous…He forcefully turned, desperate to see what his little boy was up to.

And there Naruto was, sitting in the courtyard, digging up the sapling Kakashi had helped plant. It had grown a couple of inches over the last few weeks. Minato frowned. The plant's leaves had become large and green, and it was finally looking healthy. Why was Naruto destroying it now?

Minato stood. Not that he had any emotional attachments to the sapling, but Naruto needed to learn not to vandalise nature like this. He heard Kakashi stand as well as the two men went to meet the little boy.

Outside, Naruto was filthy again as he put the now-dug-up sapling into a flowerpot. Kakashi and Minato walked up to him just as he was petting soil down and brushing mud off the leaves of the plant.

"Naruto, you know better than to damage plants," Minato reprimanded.

Naruto beamed. "I'm not hurting the plant!" And with that, he laboriously lifted the flowerpot and staggered towards the silver-haired man. "I'm giving it to Kakashi-san!" he yipped. "His name is Mr. Ukki, okay? And I grew him just for you!"

Kakashi looked utterly perplexed as he took the flowerpot from little Naruto's muddy hands. Blinking, he did what any reasonable adult would do.

"Hello, Mr. Ukki," Kakashi said to the potted plant.

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**A/N: I'm sorry if it sucks. I have struggled and struggled with this chapter. It wasn't the concept, because that was awesome, but the writing. Hell, I've just had a hard time writing lately. The novel I'm working on has been affected because of this rut. It sucks. Especially since I have so much writing-related work I have to do this month!**

**Anyway, thanks for sticking with it. I know it's not my best work. **

**Please review. The next chapter (with the next prompt from chapter 1) shall be uploaded in a few days. **


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